when i really like something it becomes the thing that i think about all the time that kind of puts a defibrillator to my brain and sends 10,000 volts through all my neurons and makes me very very happy. this can be something i'm excited for or just something i really really like i.e. zelda or music theory. as i've figured out that i'm probably autistic i realize that those things are my special interests so i can just think about them all the time and never get bored of them BUT there are other things that come and go that give my brain similar excitement and right now one of them is dnd, specifically my dnd character.
this is him, his name is calvin holadir and he is an elf bard who's very bowie-inspired and i like him very much. i made him for a campaign i'm going to be in soon that hayden is dm'ing and i am so fucking excited for it cause i haven't played dnd in a very long time. hayden is a VERY talented writer and he's been fleshing out the world we're gonna be playing in and i think it's so cool that we're gonna get to like be inside of his writing. hayden you're so cool and i love you.
i played dnd for the first time in seventh grade and i was immediately very into creating a character for myself to play as. it's very obvious to me now that this was because i was a closeted trans person and i was making a person that i really wanted to be. my first character was not a guy but if i remember correctly they were an edgy lesbian rogue. i went through i think two other characters before i got to this one - one was a nonbinary bard (in my nonbinary era) whose name i don't remember and the other was garmor "gary" underbranch who was a dwarf druid that i'm still very fond of.
anyways making dnd characters was a very big way for me to create the person that i wanted to be and then project onto them as we played cause at least for my first two characters i was just playing as myself. gary was different because i made him a good while after coming out as a trans guy so i was actually playing a character. i did not want to be gary he was kind of an asshole.gary <3
however as i've become MORE comfortable in myself i've kind of realized i'm still not expressing myself to my full potential yet. i want to wear cool ass clothes that would sometimes be considered feminine but i can't because i'll feel dysphoric and possibly get misgendered. i will eventually get there with the help of testosterone but right now i am going to live through my new favorite manwhore calvin holadir aka cal diamonddust. i want to write everything about his backstory cause i just think he is so cool. he's an asshole too so i'm only projecting through him for his fashion sense. finally hayden if you are reading this i am so excited for our campaign and you're very talented and capable and it's gonna be so fun!!!
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