dysphoria. bad.

 i'm currently sitting in apush readjusting the worn-out binder i'm wearing every thirty seconds so it puts the right amount of pressure on my chest, both so i can be sure that my chest is flat and because i've worn a binder for over two years now and being out in public without constant pressure around my chest feels very wrong. i'm wearing a t-shirt with a heavy flannel buttoned up most of the way over it and there's still a pit in my stomach because i'm so afraid everyone can tell something is wrong.

dysphoria feels like every cell in my body is vibrating at slightly different rates. it feels like i'm numb and i'm feeling everything at the same time. i'm hyperaware of everything i'm feeling and at the same time when i rub my hands together i realize i couldn't feel anything until that moment. if i'm dysphoric there's nothing i can do except get rid of the thing about me that's making me dysphoric or go to sleep and hope i feel different when i wake up. unfortunately neither of these things are options right now at 9:14 am while reviewing for the apush exam.

there's really no difference to me putting this here than putting it on my close friends story or something besides that i can write more here and technically anyone in the world can see it. according to blogger though no one has seen my last two posts which is a little bit sad cause they were both happy enthusiastic posts and i want them to be seen. really i want to be talked to and asked if i'm okay. whenever i post some sad shit that is what i want above all else. it feels attention seeking. maybe it is, maybe it isn't, but it is nice to know that people want me to be okay.

i really hope that the project i plan to film this summer helps me to deal with my "i just want to be normal" thoughts. i put that issue very plainly in the script: i can't be "normal". i will always be trans, no matter what i do about it. my options are pretend i'm not and be suicidal (not that i would detransition it's just my hypothetical option) or embrace it and be happy sometimes. cause i'm not happy with it all the time obviously, like right now. but the only way i can be happy is to keep going, cause i will get hormones and top surgery and blah blah blah.

i will definitely make some posts about my film as it progresses, but i'm proud of myself for writing a first draft. it feels really good to have something i made all on my own and that i am the only one in charge of. that shit is mine and no one else's. anyway that's all for now in frankie world i wanted to talk about dysphoria to get some of my thoughts out of my head and i haven't posted in a week here because i've been writing my script. my last post is kind of funny to read though cause i was still pretty high when i wrote it. everything in it is still true. love you guys.