my journey to become the character i played when i was 14

 this is a weird post so bear with me.

when i was in eighth grade i was in james and the giant peach and i played my first ever lead. i was the magic man, who had a name in the musical, ladahlord, which is an anagram for roald dahl which i think is very cool. if you're not familiar with the plot of james and the giant peach the magic man is the catalyst for all of the events in the story--he gives james a potion that james is supposed to drink, but he spills it on the peach tree and it makes the peach and all the insects get really big. i've always wondered what the hell would have happened if james had drank it, but that's a question for another day.

i thought ladahlord was the coolest fucking character in the world, and i projected my whole self onto him. he was flashy and fruity and wore a cool coat and was everything 14 year old frankie wished he could be. (it's strange referring to myself at any point before mid freshman year as he, but i'm trying to get into the mindset that i've always been a guy because it's better for my brain and dysphoria.) in short, ladahlord was incredibly gender.

another thing i really liked about ladahlord was the role he played in the story. he bursts into this sad kid's life, fucks everyone's shit up, gives the kid a better happier life and ends up playing the role of the weird funky magic uncle to the kid once all is said and done (the last part is what happened in my head in the prologue me and my friend elizabeth who was our stage manager for james made up cause we both got a lot of good emotions out of that show). i had no idea how relevant those ideas were going to become to me in a few years' time, but by mid freshman year i definitely felt like james. i was closeted and depressed and needed so much shit in my life to change, and i just wanted a ladahlord to come into my life to kick my ass into gear and show me how to be happy. funnily enough when i became friends with hayden he kinda did a lot of that and also happened to wear some cool coats. hi hayden if you're reading this.

so hayden was ladahlord to me for a while. yay! for the most part i am much, much better than i was in freshman year, although my home situation is still pretty shitty. i am definitely better than i was in eighth grade cause middle school is fucking weird. but even now i find myself thinking back to ladahlord and i still want to be him. playing him was like a crutch for me for a good while, and it was a good crutch. right now i am slowly becoming my own person, but i feel like i don't know how to do that. everything i am right now i feel like i've borrowed from people that have had a lot of influence on me and i don't know if i'm supposed to keep that stuff, grow out of it or throw it out entirely. i have no idea how i'm supposed to grow up.

but i want to grow up into ladahlord. i want to find people that need help like i did and give them so much love and care. i want to be cool and silly and flashy and fruity and loud. and i definitely, definitely want to wear cool coats they are like the second floor of frankie's hierarchy of needs.

here are some pictures of me as ladahlord. they're like semi-pretransition cause eighth grade was weird, but if anything i think i look like my gender is eighth grader.