MAKING A MOVIE!!! BITCH!!!

 i'm two drafts into a script that i have had bouncing around in my head since freshman year and holy SHIT does it feel good!!! i realized recently that now when i feel unmotivated and shitty and like there's nothing to look forward to i just think about my script and the prospect of filming it this summer and i am so happy.

having something that's completely under my control is a little intimidating but also extremely motivating. i want this thing to happen more than anything else in the world but it's up to ME. i don't think i've ever had this much responsibility on something before and it makes me feel good because i chose to take it all on. and when (WHEN!) it does happen it will be so incredibly rewarding for me.

for a while i've felt like i couldn't make anything good. the truth is i'm surrounded by incredibly talented people all the time and if i compare what i make to them i'll feel shitty about it all the time. and i know that to other people the stuff i make is good, but i'm not making it for other people. (maybe i am a little bit because obviously validation feels good, but it's not the main reason.) i am creative for myself. maybe that's an obvious point--everyone is creative to fulfill themselves. but the point i'm trying to make is at the end of the day it doesn't matter if anna meredith herself told me my music was good. if it's not good enough in my head i'm gonna hate it.

my creative journey for the past few years has been accepting that sometimes the stuff i make isn't gonna be as good as i want it to be. and sometimes i WILL make really good things on the first few tries: my arrangement of hot chocolate, mr greives, some of the poems i've written are all pretty damn good. but because they're good and came somewhat easily when i do make stuff like that it feels like cheating. i can arrange stuff all day but it's just listening to music and then writing it down. poetry is just some stuff i said.

i have learned through therapy that my parents are the root of all my self-worth issues. because they hold me to such a high standard and have my whole life if something i do "isn't good enough" i mentally beat the shit out of myself. for my whole life i've been engrained with the belief that there's nothing stopping me from being perfect except avoidable mistakes and i just end up making all those mistakes which is why i can't get everything right the first try. my therapist said i'm lucky i realized all that while i'm young because some people don't figure that stuff out til they're in their 50s and i can't imagine going my whole life holding myself to those standards.

what does that shit have to do with me making a movie?? it means that maybe the movie will suck. maybe the editing will be shitty and the shots will be awkward and the script will be confusing. it probably won't be that bad, but i will nevertheless find something in it to nitpick. but i need to let that go. it's something that i'm making and i need to be happy that i made it at all.

i don't have the brainpower to end this post elegantly this is all you get. bye bye.